Boy, it’s crazy what can change in a year! I can honestly say that this school year has been exponentially better than last year. I was reading some of my journal entries from last year around this time and I’ve realized how crazy and stressful my life was. Not that there was anything too crazy going on, but I just worried so much about the littlest things. As I read through those journals, I began to think about how much better my life would have been if my circumstances and the way I made decisions were different. It’s like when you look at pictures from when you were a kid and you cringe a little because your clothes never matched and your hair was always a mess(an ongoing struggle for me).
But at the same time I feel like it’s those times where you wish you could have changed your circumstances, that you really learn to grow. One scripture that I’ve grown to love is 1 Corinthians 7:20-24. It says, “Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called. Art thou called being a servant? care not for it: but if thou mayest be made free, use it rather. For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord’s freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is Christ’s servant. Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men. Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God” I know it is a little long, but it has become one of my favorites over the past year or so. It helps me remember that Heavenly Father only lets us give us trials that He knows we can learn and grow from and that He wants us to make the most of our lives despite our trials. Whenever I read this scripture, the phrase, “bloom where you’re planted” always comes to mind. As a little kid, my favorite flower were the yellow dandelions that seemed to pop up everywhere and anywhere. My mom would always laugh and tell me that they were just weeds. But I didn’t just like them because I thought they were pretty, no I liked them because they seemed to spring up everywhere. No matter where, they would even grow from the cracks in the sidewalk. I think that scripture is kind of saying the same thing applies to us. It’s like Heavenly Father puts us in these crazy, sometimes a little rough situations because He wants us to learn and grow because of it. I used to think that Heavenly Father would put us in tough situations because we weren’t doing the right thing. That is never the case. Of course there are consequences when we sin, but Heavenly Father doesn’t give us more trials because we sin. When I was little, I was taught by my parents and primary teachers that we can pray whenever we want to and that Heavenly Father will listen. I am so grateful for those who have helped me make prayer such a huge part of my life. I know it can be hard to focus on the gospel amidst trials, but I also know that it is the best way to get answers from Heavenly Father. I don’t think I fully understood the power prayer can have until about two years ago. There was a girl from my school that started coming to church with one of the girls in my ward. I can still remember so clearly how strongly I felt the spirit when she was being taught how to pray. At first I was shocked because I realized that this girl didn’t know how to pray up until that point. It was a really spiritual experience and it taught me to be grateful for the ability to be able to talk to my Heavenly Father whenever I need to. I know that Heavenly Father loves us and that we are given trials that He knows we can learn from. I also know that sometimes it can be hard to stay close to Heavenly Father when you’re busy worrying about everything that may seem to be going wrong in your life right now. I urge you to pray about anything even if you think it is not that big of a deal. Remember if something seems like a big deal to you, Heavenly Father cares about everything that you care about.
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Over the past month or so, I have been becoming increasingly anxious about moving up to school and living over nine hundred miles away from home. Not to the point where I have panic attacks, but every once an a while I'll start thinking about it and wonder how the heck I am supposed to do it. The school year is almost over and preparations are being made for the coming year. At first I was super excited to live on my own and be independant, but as I actually started thinking about all of the things that I am going to have to take care of for myself, I don’t know whether to be excited or terrified.
I was talking to someone the other day about going to school and after talking about it for a little while and she stopped me and asked me, “What if you can’t?”. At first, I was a little confused -- what if I can’t what? Up until this point, I had figured that everyone was wondering how I was going to pull off living on my own. And at the moment, I don’t even know how I am going to be able to not rely on anyone. But I have prayed about it a ton and I know that my future is in the hands of my Heavenly Father. For as long as I can remember, everyone has encouraged me to become more independant. Literally everyone from teachers, to physical therapists, to my family. Personally I think I have come a long way and that being independent is great. But I think people often confuse independance with not relying on Heavenly Father’s guidance. When you want to become more independent, I think, at least for me, I have to become closer and more trusting in my Heavenly Father. When the time came for applying for college, I was hesitant to apply to anywhere. I had always assumed that I would go to the community college in the area and live with the fam bam. But then one day my sister suggested to apply to the CES schools and see if I get in. She said that I didn’t even have to decide right then and there if I was going to really go, but to apply anyways so I could keep my options open. So I started my application process. I began filling out my information and writing my essays. There was a pretty long time for me to work on my application process, but I got started on it right away. After writing a couple of the essays, I stopped working on them because I got a little discouraged about being able to get in and even if I did get in, it was overwhelming to think about actually going to school there. As time went on, the application deadline got closer and I had abandoned the idea of going to any of the church schools. About a month later, I remember coming home from school one day and seeing one of the CES endorsement forms on the end of my bookshelf. I immediately started to question if I really wanted to go to a community college. I remember feeling like if I didn’t finish the application, I would be missing out on the opportunities that I wouldn’t be able to have anywhere else. So, I finished my application, telling myself that I would apply and see how it goes from there. I remember on the day I finished it, I felt this unmistakable feeling of peace. I wasn’t sure where it came from at the time, but now I know that it was Heavenly Father reassuring me that if I did get in, He would help me know what to do. One Thursday morning, before seminary, I woke up and saw a notification e-mail from the CES admissions office. I was so scared to open it. But when I opened it and read the email saying that I had gotten in to BYUI, I screamed and cried a little (happy tears). Because for the majority of high school, I had been geared by teachers to shoot only for community college. Not that those teachers didn’t want me to go to a four-year, but because most of the kids with disabilities at my school usually don’t even apply to four year colleges. I had been told over and over that I could just go to community college because that’s what everyone had been expecting me to do. I think everyone thought it was a little odd that I was so excited. But to me it was a big deal because I had always just assumed that I would go to a community college. I am super excited to start this new chapter and I know that this is right for me. I want to remind you that you don’t have to know exactly what you want to do for the rest of your life at this second. You have a whole lifetime to think about that. What you do need to know as soon as possible is that Heavenly Father loves you and has a plan for you and that He is going to guide you. As long as you look to Him for guidance, everything will work out. Even if you don’t know exactly how right now. Today I want to talk about something that I haven’t talked about much in a long time. A little over a year ago, I developed a bit of anxiety and had no idea what to do about it. I had tried a bunch of different things to try to get rid of it, but nothing seemed to work. But as of today, I have not had a single panic attack since the second week of September. I know to someone that doesn’t have anxiety, this may not seem like that big of a deal, but to me it is. I have since learned a couple ways to calm myself down when I start to get a little anxious, so I figured I’d share a couple of my methods with you.
I’ll start with the method that I use the most: breathing. I know it may sound a little obvious but the best thing to do is take a couple deep breaths. I remember when people used to tell me this and I would actually get a little annoyed with them because I didn’t think it could actually work. It turns out that it does and I didn’t really understand how until I was reading a book about anxiety one day. When I used to have these panic attacks part of the reason was that I felt like I wasn’t getting enough air in my lungs. The reason why I felt this way was actually because when you take shallow breaths, too much stale air gets trapped in your lungs, as a result, there is no room for fresh air. So, what I have found most effective is to take a deep breath and exhale for a longer time than you normally would. This helps push out not only the fresh air in your lungs, but the stale air too. Another thing I feel when I used to have these panic attacks was that everything was trapped in my mind and that I would never be able to stop thinking about whatever I was worried about. At this point, I would give myself a couple of options: write it down, play piano or get artsy. When I would get to feeling panicky, I wouldn’t be able to talk about things very clearly, so I found other ways to express myself. One of the things that calms me down the best is to marble paper. This may sound a little weird, but my favorite method to marble paper is to use shaving cream and food coloring. Being able to feel the shaving cream with my hands really calms me down for some reason. I think one of the best ways to make me feel calmer is to do something that I don’t have to really think about. For me, I instantly think of my piano. I have played the piano for the majority of my life, so when I sit down at my piano, I don’t even have to think, I just play. Another thing that I do when I get panicky is to just pray about whatever it is I am worried about. Praying about it helps me remember that Heavenly Father is protecting me and He will help me through anything I struggle with. One thing I try to do is work on ways to prevent my anxiety. There are a couple ways I do this. When I’m feeling anxious, I often feel trapped, in order to avoid this, I don't wear shirts with tighter necks. It has also helped to make healthy choices, like exercising regularly, limiting my sugar intake, drinking lots of water and getting a good night’s sleep. I think one of the most important things to do when you have anxiety is to know what your triggers are and learn how not to worry about them so much. One thing that I always used to get me really nervous was talking in front of a group of people. Now, I can stand up in front of a class and give a presentation without a hitch. Just remember that when you’re talking in front of a large group of people, half the people probably aren’t even listening and the other half are paying attention to the stuff you’re saying, not you. I am so blessed to have some pretty amazing friends that know about my anxiety and were always willing to help. It’s really important in the beginning to have something or someone that helps you calm down because sometimes when you are panicky, it’s hard to think straight, so having a homie there to help you realize that whatever it is you’re worried about isn’t the end of the world is really helpful. Now, I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, these are just things that have worked for me. If you are really struggling with something like this I highly suggest you tell a professional. Even If you don’t have anxiety, these methods work for when you’re just nervous. If you are feeling like you just can’t overcome whatever it is you may be experiencing, just remember that Heavenly Father never gives us anything we can’t handle. |
My name is Ellie. I am a sophomore at BYU Idaho. I am excited to live life and to share a small piece of it with you!
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